Strengthening Your Relationship: The State of the Union Meeting
In any thriving relationship, communication is the foundation of connection. Yet, life gets busy, tensions rise, and unresolved frustrations can turn into deeper resentment—sometimes even contempt. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, offers a powerful tool to help couples stay connected and proactive in maintaining a strong, fulfilling partnership: The State of the Union Meeting.
This structured weekly meeting isn’t just about resolving conflicts—it’s about fostering appreciation, understanding, and intentional communication before small issues become big problems. In this post and in our podcast episode, we’ll walk through the purpose, structure, and benefits of implementing the State of the Union Meeting into your relationship.
What is the State of the Union Meeting?
The State of the Union Meeting is a dedicated, intentional conversation between partners designed to strengthen the relationship through appreciation, reflection, and constructive discussion. Unlike reactive arguments that happen in the heat of the moment, this weekly meeting allows couples to slow down, listen to one another, and reinforce their bond.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that regular, structured check-ins help couples address concerns before they turn into long-term resentment. By setting aside one hour per week to have a meaningful conversation, couples can deepen their emotional connection, increase intimacy, and prevent the Four Horsemen of relationship failure—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
How to Conduct a State of the Union Meeting
1. Set the Stage
Choose a quiet, comfortable setting where you both feel relaxed.
Put away distractions—no phones, TV, or work.
Approach the meeting with an open and non-judgmental mindset.
2. Start with Appreciation
Begin by sharing at least five things you appreciated about your partner over the past week. These could be small acts of kindness, support, or moments that made you feel connected.
Examples:
“I really appreciated how you made me coffee when I was rushing out the door.”
“I loved how you made time for us to go on a walk together.”
“It meant a lot that you supported me when I was feeling stressed.”
3. Reflect on What’s Going Well
Talk about aspects of your relationship that are working well. Acknowledging strengths creates a sense of security and reinforces positive behaviors.
Reflection Prompts:
What made you feel most loved this week?
What moments of connection stood out to you?
How have we been showing up for each other?
4. Address Challenges with Care
This is the time to discuss any unresolved concerns or stressors. Use gentle, constructive communication instead of blame or criticism.
Structure for Addressing Concerns:
Use “I” Statements – Focus on your feelings rather than blaming your partner.
“I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always do this…”
Describe the Situation Neutrally – Avoid exaggerations like “You never” or “You always.”
“I noticed we haven’t had much time together this week, and I miss you.”
State What You Need – Make a clear, positive request.
“I would love if we could plan a date night this weekend.”
5. Plan for the Coming Week
This section helps prevent future misunderstandings and ensures both partners feel supported.
Questions to Discuss:
What can I do this week to make you feel more loved and supported?
How can we handle any potential stressors together?
Is there anything you need from me to feel more connected?
6. End on a Positive Note
Reaffirm your commitment to each other. Express love, gratitude, and excitement for the week ahead.
Why the State of the Union Meeting Works
1. Reduces Contempt and Resentment
By regularly addressing concerns in a non-confrontational setting, couples avoid the buildup of resentment that often leads to contempt—the most toxic predictor of relationship breakdown.
2. Strengthens Emotional Connection
Regular check-ins help couples feel seen and heard, which strengthens emotional intimacy and trust.
3. Encourages Proactive Communication
Rather than waiting for conflicts to explode, this meeting allows couples to resolve concerns early, making it easier to navigate challenges.
4. Reinforces a Culture of Appreciation
Starting with gratitude shifts the focus from what’s wrong to what’s working well, creating a more positive and supportive dynamic.
The State of the Union Beyond Romantic Relationships
While designed for romantic partnerships, this concept can be adapted for other relationships, such as:
Friendships: Checking in with close friends about how you support each other.
Work Relationships: Having structured check-ins to improve communication and collaboration.
Family Bonds: Holding weekly family meetings to address concerns and celebrate wins.
Final Thoughts
Strong relationships don’t just happen—they are built through consistent, intentional effort. The State of the Union Meeting is a simple yet powerful practice that can transform the way couples communicate, fostering deeper connection, appreciation, and long-term happiness.
If you’re ready to improve communication in your relationship, start implementing this practice today. Set aside an hour, create a safe space, and begin fostering a culture of appreciation and understanding.
For a deeper dive into this topic, tune in to the latest episode of The Rich Life Podcast, where we discuss how structured relationship check-ins can enhance not only your personal relationships but also your overall happiness and success.