Contempt: How it Poisons Your Relationships and How to Fix It
Contempt is often the silent killer of relationships. While criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling can be damaging, contempt is the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, according to Dr. John Gottman’s research. It is the strongest predictor of divorce and relationship breakdown. But contempt isn’t limited to romantic relationships—it can poison friendships, work dynamics, and even our self-perception.
In this blog post and podcast episode, we will explore what contempt looks like, why it is so damaging, and how to shift from contempt to appreciation to create stronger, healthier relationships.
What is Contempt?
Contempt is more than frustration or criticism. It is a deep-seated feeling of superiority over another person. It manifests through sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, name-calling, and an overall sense of looking down on someone. When contempt takes hold in a relationship, it creates a dynamic where one person feels invalidated and unworthy, while the other assumes a position of authority or disdain.
Some common examples of contempt include:
Speaking with sarcasm or using a condescending tone
Making jokes at the other person’s expense
Rolling eyes, sneering, or displaying dismissive body language
Belittling someone’s thoughts, efforts, or feelings
Using phrases like, “I can’t believe you think that way” or “You’re so clueless”
Contempt isn’t just toxic emotionally; research shows it has physical effects. Couples who express high levels of contempt are more likely to suffer from weakened immune systems, frequent illnesses, and overall higher levels of stress. In professional settings, contempt can lead to workplace toxicity, disengagement, and lack of collaboration.
Case Study: Lisa and Mark’s Contempt Cycle
Lisa and Mark have been married for eight years. Lately, their arguments have escalated from minor disagreements to full-blown fights filled with sarcasm and dismissiveness. Lisa often criticizes Mark’s spending habits, saying things like, “Wow, must be nice to buy yourself another new gadget while I handle all the real responsibilities.” Mark, feeling unappreciated, responds with mockery: “Oh yes, because keeping this household running is SO hard compared to what I do.”
Over time, their conversations became battlegrounds where they focused on attacking each other rather than addressing the real issues. The resentment grew, and they started feeling more disconnected than ever.
When they began relationship coaching, the first step was helping them recognize the contempt cycle they were stuck in. Instead of acknowledging their own emotions and needs, they were belittling each other. This pattern created distance instead of resolution.
Through guided exercises, Lisa and Mark learned to shift their communication from contempt to appreciation. Instead of sarcastic jabs, they practiced expressing their needs without blame. Lisa learned to say, “I feel stressed when I don’t see us saving for our future. Can we set up a budget together?” Instead of dismissing her, Mark responded with, “I understand. I’d like to work on that too, and I appreciate how much thought you put into our finances.”
Over time, their relationship improved. They still had disagreements, but instead of defaulting to contempt, they learned how to approach each other with respect and cooperation.
Practical Exercises to Shift from Contempt to Appreciation
If you recognize contempt in your interactions, here are some practical exercises to help shift the dynamic:
1. The 5-to-1 Ratio of Appreciation
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that successful relationships maintain a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.
Exercise: Make a daily habit of expressing at least five genuine appreciations to your partner, friend, or colleague. This could include:
“I appreciate how you made time for me today.”
“You handled that situation really well.”
“Thanks for making coffee this morning.”
By consistently focusing on what’s good, you naturally reduce contempt and strengthen connection.
2. The “I Feel… I Need…” Reframe
When frustration arises, replace contemptuous statements with an assertive but respectful structure:
Exercise: Instead of attacking, use this formula:
“I feel [emotion] when [situation].”
“I need [a specific positive request].”
Example:
Contempt: “You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
Reframe: “I feel unheard when I share something and it gets dismissed. I need us to create space to listen to each other without interruptions.”
3. Catch & Correct Contempt in the Moment
Exercise: If you find yourself rolling your eyes, using sarcasm, or making belittling comments, pause and ask:
What emotion am I actually feeling?
What is the need behind this frustration?
How can I express this in a way that invites connection instead of division?
This brief moment of mindfulness can prevent a downward spiral.
4. The Appreciation Journal
People in contemptuous relationships often forget why they valued the other person in the first place.
Exercise: Write down one thing you appreciate about your partner, friend, or colleague every day for a week. Then share these thoughts with them. Even small moments of gratitude can rebuild connection.
5. The “Switch Perspectives” Challenge
Contempt comes from a place of superiority. This exercise shifts that mindset.
Exercise: The next time you feel contempt, pause and ask yourself:
If I were in their shoes, how would I feel right now?
What might be causing them to act this way?
How would I want to be treated if the roles were reversed?
Empathy is the antidote to contempt. The more you practice seeing things from the other person’s perspective, the less likely you are to belittle them.
Final Thoughts
Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in relationships, but it is also preventable. By practicing appreciation, shifting communication patterns, and committing to seeing the good in others, we can replace contempt with connection.
Take a moment to reflect:
Where do you notice contempt showing up in your relationships?
How can you start shifting from criticism to appreciation?
What is one small action you can take today to improve communication?
Relationships—whether personal or professional—thrive on mutual respect. If you’re ready to transform how you communicate and connect, these exercises are a great place to start.
For more insights, tune in to the latest episode of The Rich Life Podcast where we dive deeper into how contempt impacts wealth, health, and happiness.